Love Hina Comedy Theater
by D Sojourn
Summary: A fun poking look at all things funny, good, ludicrous, and true about Love Hina. Please give it a try, guaranteed laughs.


Love Hina Comedy Theater  
  
D Sojourn  
  
Disclaimer: I in no way own the rights to Love Hina and I didn't even come up with this form of parody. So there.  
  
**Author's note**: Just like to say beforehand that I love Love Hina and this is in no way an attempt to put the series down, just a fun examination of its quirky nature (like all other anime series). I don't know when or if I'll get more of this done then I have, but we'll see what happens and how people like it.  
  
Love Hina- "Anime Just Isn't Backwards-Compatible With Romance"  
  
Keitaro: I'm not a loser. Really. I just can't pass a test I've done nothing but study for over the last three years. Well, that and the little point that my entire life and future are based around nothing but the fact that I'm so clumsy and unattractive to women that I have to depend on a promise I made when I was five that no one else in their right mind would ever possibly honor or remember.  
  
Hina-Obasan: My poor put upon grandson is a walking disaster area who's prone to incur just about every accident, misunderstanding, bodily harm, and embarrassment within a five mile radius. If his life could be summed up in one sentence it would be Murphy's Law. I Know! The most helpful, loving, and appropriate thing to do would be to place him in charge of an all- woman's dorm populated by cute misfits and shoujo girls! I'm sure that will turn his whole life around and everything will work out for the best! After all, This Is Anime (tm). Even better, I won't tell anyone, least of all Keitaro himself or the residents! In the meantime, I think I'll skip town for the whole series.  
  
Keitaro: Uhm, Grandma? Aren't you just abusing my situation, taking advantage of my sweet and innocent (not to mention incredibly weak-willed) nature, and using me for all I'm worth, knowing that I'm such a good person and so kindhearted as to never question anything or stand up for myself?  
  
Random Village Elder #1: Wise in the force....is he.....  
  
Random Village Elder #2: The point of the whole series....you have already stumbled upon....  
  
Random Village Elder#3: Get used to it you should.....every female character save one....will do the same to you....And she spends half her time....being dead.....  
  
Keitaro: Hot, intelligent, nubile, mostly naked teenager in hot springs! It's shoujo love at first sight! Time to obsess for the rest of the series! *nosebleed* If only I was manga Keitaro I'd get to see this kind of thing every day with full nudity, but then I suppose I really would be a pervert...  
  
Male Audience: Although it's something none of the Hina girls will ever realize, there is a difference between being a pervert and being a normal, red-blooded guy Keitaro, even if you are a sweet red-blooded guy. Especially for someone in this situation like yourself whose only previous experience with girls would seem to be dating sims and punches in the face.  
  
Naru: You'll only love me for my body and looks?  
  
Keitaro: Haven't you read the manga already like everyone else watching this series? I can't possibly love you for your "kind, caring nature" or the "sweet" way you treat me all the time, not to mention how "thankful" you are for everything I do and sacrifice for you. And your intelligence only serves to constantly belittle me.  
  
Naru: BAKA! *punch*  
  
Motoko: HENTAI! *random sword technique, all of which are the same, stolen from Kenshin*  
  
Kaolla: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! Does hentai taste good? *kick*  
  
Keitaro: NOOOOOO! You're confusing me with my manga counterpart who really is an idiot and a pervert! I'm the improved, even more sympathy drawing version! Aunt Haruka, for once in your life actually stand up for me and help!  
  
Haruka: That's Haruka-SAN! *smack*  
  
Kitsune: Ronin! *steals all his money and entices the girls to do it all over again*  
  
Shinobu: Sempai looked at me!! @_@ AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!! *bursts into tears for no reason causing girls to begin the process over*  
  
**Rinse and repeat in different times and locations across Japan for 25 episodes and two movies**  
  
Keitaro: Why couldn't all my girls be sweet, goofy, or obsessively infatuated with me like that Tenchi bastard? Or better yet, why couldn't I go on a fantastic adventure to another world with a harem of varying beauties who fight with and for me instead of against me like that Mizuhara kid in El-Hazard? I'd even settle for them all fighting over the right to be my fiance' like Ranma. *sigh* I suppose my only hope is to sit here with the phone for days and pray to the powers that be that I accidentally reach the "Goddess Technical Help Line"...  
  
Keitaro: ...Oh well, while I'm waiting...ROLE CALL!!  
  
Naru: Hi! I'm Naru Narusegawa! Like many shoujo protagonists, I suffer from "Faye Valentine Syndrome". That is to say, a vast bevy of wide-reaching and ill-defined emotional problems which I have no reason for ever having developed. I'm smart, pretty, funny, and have everything going for me, but don't worry, I'll always emphatically deny any of it. Though I obviously love Keitaro with all my heart, I'd never even give him the slightest hint, let alone treat him with the respect, dignity, caring, and decency which we all owe him a million times over. Hey, we have certain anime laws to adhere to here!  
  
Fanboys and Fangirls: WOW! She's the most realistic female anime protagonist ever! This show is the most realistic portrayal of teenage life, love, and daily events to ever be created! Just like Cowboy BeBop is the most realistic anime ever created and Evangelion is the most realistic portrayal of the human psyche and condition! Just look at all the realism! I see this stuff every day at home! *swoon*  
  
Kaolla: WHEEEEEEEEEEEE! Kaolla Su is Kaolla Su! Nice ta meetchas! I like BANANAS and I'm from a country that doesn't exist! TEE-HEE!! Let's PLAY! Go Mecha Tama-Chan Mach 8 Mark 2.67878PI! Wanna see this neat trick I do where I change clothes and stay exactly the same yet everyone pretends I've aged ten years? It's called "the times when I act like I've been force-fed twenty Ritalin"!  
  
Keitaro: Aren't you Ed from Cowboy BeBop? Ah, there's always one character in anime you know the creators were on speed when they thought up.  
  
Motoko: Salutations. Motoko Aoyama. Nice to make your acquaintance. I'm not only a member of the She-Ra man haters club, I'm also the president. I also happen to be a fifty year old samurai stuck in a beautiful young teenage girl's body. In order to cover up, hide away, and ignore my own weaknesses, flaws, and basic human needs, I'll project all of my faults on and into Urashima. This will, of course, require that I also ignore the fact that he's made me an infinitely happier and much better person all at his own expense with nothing but pain and faux hatred as his reward. That, and the fact that I break every single rule of honor, justice, and the samurai code which I worship in the way I deal with him. Oh, and I also love him. What's all this equal? I'm not sure, but I am randomly scared of turtles.  
  
Haruka: .................  
  
Haruka: .................  
  
Haruka: .................. *puffs on cigarette*  
  
Haruka: ...................  
  
Haruka: #$%& off! I'm not even an important character in this thing. I'm just here to provide a random excuse for Megumi Hayashibara to sing the theme song and provide some plot exposition from time to time.  
  
Kitsune: Naiya Naiya! Mitsune "Kitsune" Konno here! I'd like to pose you some conundrums if you'd indulge lil' ole me! How can I see with my eyes constantly closed. I mean, I'm not a monk, a sorcerer, or a demon lord so it hardly seems appropriate. Two, why do idiotic dubbers always interpret Osaka dialects as southern American accents? It never fits or makes sense and always ruins good characters, making them into retards. Finally, why do I and the others spend so much time making Keitaro's life miserable for his ronin-ness and numerous other issues whilst I do nothing at all but sit around Hinata-Sou all day long, never accomplishing anything or helping anyone and doing nothing but causing trouble for all and getting piss- drunk? Ah, the mysteries of life.  
  
Sarah: Yo! Wassup! Typical anime American Sarah McDougal here! I'm a brash, rude, loudmouthed brat who never thinks of anyone but herself and was written in for the sole purpose of adding more misery to Keitaro's life. Granted, that's just about everything's' purpose in this show, but still. When I grow up, I aspire to be Asuka Sohryu Langly.  
  
Shinobu: H-h-h-h-h-h-h-hello everyone. I-I-I-.....auuuuu @_@! My name's Shinobu Maehara! I give bashfulness a new definition and am the poster child for low self-esteem as well! But at least with my parents' messy divorce Akamatsu-san tried to give me a reason, which is more then can be said of the rest of the casts' problems. I'm here to provide the show's pedaphile angle, as is necessary in all works of anime romantic comedy.  
  
Shirai & Haitani: At least it's nowhere near as bad as 'I, My, Me, Strawberry Eggs!' .  
  
Fans: Very true.  
  
Keitaro: It's always nice to know there are bigger losers then you when you think you've hit rock bottom. So...who were you two again?  
  
Fans: The sad fact is, we're never sure whether he's joking or not when he asks that.  
  
Naru: So, why are you so set on going to Toudai (Tokyo U.) again? I mean not like I really care or anything, but you put up with more then any sane person ever would, and this being Anime (tm), there has to be some interesting and convoluted reason with which I'm deeply interconnected.  
  
Keitaro: Well, ya' see, I made this PROMISE...  
  
Naru: A PROMISE?  
  
Shinobu: W.w.w.what kind of PROMISE was it sempai?  
  
Keitaro: A very special PROMISE to a very special person.  
  
Kitsune: Oooo, those are the best kind of PROMISES! Tell us more.  
  
Keitaro: Well, we PROMISED that we'd meet and live happily ever after at Toudai, and I've spent my whole life dwelling on this PROMISE and the little girl I made the PROMISE with, hoping to fulfill it.  
  
Kaolla: WHEEEEEEEEE! A PROMISE! Are they tasty?  
  
Motoko: You're sad obsession with your only chance at happiness makes you even more weak and pathetic in my mind. **blushblush** But I do admire your conviction for your PROMISE Urashima-Sempai.  
  
Fans: HOLY JEEBUS ON TOAST! ENOUGH! WE GET THE POINT!  
  
Naru: It certainly seems like all this is very important to you and your life. So....who was this girl?  
  
Keitaro: I don't know.  
  
Motoko: What was her name?  
  
Keitaro: I forget.  
  
Shinobu: @_@ auuu....What did she look like?  
  
Keitaro: I can't quite recall.  
  
Naru: Where and how, more specifically then Toudai, did you plan to meet again?  
  
Keitaro: Uhm....did I mention that we'll live happily ever after?  
  
Naru: And you try to argue that you're not an idiot. Sheesh, it's a good thing your whole PROMISE concept is a crazy delusion in your mind, or else you'd be making some people very unhappy.  
  
Keitaro: Good, maybe then someone might understand how I feel most of the time. Anyway, what about you? Why are you so obsessed with Toudai that you've basically ignored all of life for the past few years and turned into such a violent psycho?  
  
Naru: **blushblush** Oh that? Well, you see, I made this PROMISE a long time ago with someone who I really liked that I'd get into Toudai and live happily ever after. I've kinda based my whole life around this PROMISE, even though the chances of ever meeting up with the guy and achieving my dream seems like nothing more then a silly delusion to everyone else.  
  
Everyone: ......  
  
Keitaro: If I didn't know better, I'd swear that our stories seem really similar. Almost like they're two halves of the same story. Almost like...you're my PROMISED girl.  
  
Ken Akamatsu: For more information, press 1 and go straight to the overly convenient diary plot-device.  
  
Naru's Diary: Deus......Ex.....Machina.....Red Herring....PROMISE.....15.....Eat At Joes....  
  
Keitaro: I knew it!! Naru is my PROMISED girl!  
  
Fans: We don't know what's sadder, the fact that Keitaro is taking the shoujo romanticomedy character trait of Jumping To Conclusions (tm) to new levels, or the fact that that's the conclusion he jumped to. How did he just randomly see those specific words alone on that page anyway?  
  
Kitsune: We should all work to get those two together! It'll Be Interesting (tm).  
  
Shinobu: auuuuu ;_; B.b.b.b.b.but....I love Sempai and want him for myself!  
  
Kitsune: Too bad you're about 5 years too young to even consider it Shinobu- chan. Kinda ironic that the only one of us who treats Keitaro caringly with everything he deserves is the one he can't have **winkwinknudgenudge**.  
  
Motoko: I could never allow Naru-Sempai to consider dating such a weak, perverse, immoral, scoundrel like Urashima! **blushblush** Even though he makes me feel all feminine and squishy inside, and helps me see life with a new outlook, and let's me improve more and more each.....  
  
Kaolla: WHEEEEEE! Is all this romantic character foreshadowing delicious? I wanna jump Keitaro's bones!!  
  
Naru: Don't even think of trying to start some type of romance between us Keitaro! No matter how obvious anything to the contrary is! You're a stupid, perverted idiot and I hate you!  
  
Keitaro: Hey! I'm not stupid or perverted! I'm just clumsy, forgetful, and prone to accidents!  
  
Naru: Fifty-thousand accidents?! Just how many times can one lame joke work when you end up between my or some other girl's breasts!!?  
  
Keitaro: Well, I can't help but notice and stare at them sometimes! Unlike Akamatsu-San's manga, certain members of the animation staff actually are perverted and had a bit too much fun drawing them! You jump from an A-Cup to a DD-Cup and anywhere in between for some episodes!  
  
Naru: And will you ever possibly learn the meaning of the verb "to knock" on a door? You've walked in on me and the other girls in various states of undress so often that you could be tried for sexual harassment a million times over!  
  
Keitaro: Okie, so maybe I don't think too often before doing things. I'd certainly never be accused of having an overabundance of common sense. But none of that excuses the fact that you and the others, especially Motoko- chan, have beaten, mutilated, sent me flying, and lord-knows-what-else to me so many times that I make Team Rocket start to look good! And 99% of the time its for absolutely no reason whatsoever! No reason concerning me at least! Geez, you'd think you were all so awful to me to cover up all your own faults and weaknesses, or some sort of developing romance which, This Being Anime (tm), you could never just come out and admit!  
  
Naru: That's all such nonsense! Just because I'm falling in love with you it doesn't mean I'm falling in love with you! BAKA! *punch*  
  
Fans: You know, it would be so nice if there were ever any reason that guys and/or girls in anime always try to emphatically deny and fight against obvious romantic feelings and their own happiness. Like, "oh yeah, wait, all this is a really good thing isn't it? Perhaps, just perhaps I should play along and actually be involved in a happy relationship". Like, gee we don't know, something resembling real life?  
  
Kitsune: Are you kidding me?!  
  
Motoko: You know not of what you speak.  
  
Haruka: What rock have you been living under?  
  
Keitaro: Anime just isn't backwards-compatible with romance. Haven't you ever seen what happens when people in these shows actually try to happily make things work out?  
  
Naru: It's a far scarier picture then anything you see here!  
  
Kaolla: WHEEEEE! Is it delicious?  
  
Shinobu: W.w.w.what do you m.m.mean Sempais?  
  
Kaolla: Just use Virtual-Kun to get the appropriate picture!  
  
Virtual-Kun Naru and Keitaro: Miaka! Tamahome! Miaka! Tamahome! Miaka! Tamahome! Miaka! Tamahome! Yurika! Akito! Yurika! Akito! Hitomi! Allen! Van! Hitomi! Utena! Anthy! Belldandy! Keiichi-san!  
  
Everyone: ::twitch::  
  
Haitani & Shirai: Or even worse! It could be intensely vague, saccharine, and full of angst!  
  
Kaolla: Like candy!!!?!  
  
Fans: No, like 'Fruits Basket'.  
  
Keitaro: Just don't call me the onigiri.  
  
Ken Akamatsu: Muahuahauha, speaking of angst....much thanks for reminding me you two!  
  
Motoko: Secret Swords Art.....Baka Ronin Slasher!  
  
Haitani & Shirai: Was it something we saiiiiiiid!?!  
  
Naru: Sorry to remind you Keitaro, but its time for the Toudai Entrance Exams. No pressure, y'know, just the single test upon which your entire life, future, and happiness are riding. 


End file.
